


Severus Snape and the shitty friend

by squidwardstain69



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Borderline crackfic, I make lot of shit up but its covered in a/n, M/M, drugged character(s), lots of depictions of ooc, not really canon but stfu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:41:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29078016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidwardstain69/pseuds/squidwardstain69
Summary: when the marauders find snape acting oddly their Gryffindor hero-complexes force them to help him
Relationships: James Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 10
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

The marauders were heading down to the dungeons when they encountered Severus, which was highly unusual seeing as how class started nearly ten minutes ago and punctual ole’ Sevvy would never dream of missing a second of potions. But there he was, standing next to the door slowly blinking at the doorknob and swaying just slightly, a glazed look in his eyes. Sirius, as per usual, was the first to call out to him.

“Can’t figure out how to open the door there Snivellus?” He jeered. Much to the group's dismay Severus turned to look at them, the same dazed look in his eye, and then back to the door, ignoring them entirely. 

Now the marauders wouldn’t consider themselves to be bullies, lord no, they were Gryffindors for crying out loud! Anytime they punched Severus or hit him or cursed or whatever, it was warranted (at least in their minds). And it wasn’t like he didn’t do the same! He was just as much at fault (If not more, the damn snake!) so seeing Severus like this, spaced out, minding his own business, made for a wave of unease to settle throughout the group. Especially in Remus and Potter, the two with, arguably, the most Gryffindor-like qualities. 

“Maybe he has a head injury” Volunteered Remus with a concerned tone and bedside manner that Madam Pompfrey would be proud of. Sirius, slow on the uptake, took it as a slight to the young boy.

“Nice one Moony!” He said with a laugh. Remus sighed and glared at him.

“No, I'm serious- '' But before he could finish Black interrupted.

“Moony, I think you're confused, I'm Sirius.” A wide grin easing itself onto his face. The boys let out a groan. God he was the worst at puns, although, Remus really did walk into that one.

“Merlin would you listen to me for a second! He’s acting really weird, maybe we should tell a professor.” Lupin said his exasperation becoming clear to Black.

“Moony, you can’t be serious- don't start Padfoot!- if we take him to a professor they’ll assume it was us! Let's just talk to him, maybe he’s sleepwalking or something.” James said, the ever so rare voice of reason. After a couple rounds of “wand, parchment, quill” it was determined that James was the one to talk to him.

“Sni- er I mean, Snape?” James approached him cautiously setting his hand on Severus’ shoulder.

\---------------------------------------------

Ever since Malfoy* hit snape with that one spell he hadn’t been able to have a coherent thought, for example, what spell did Malfoy hit him with? Also how do you open doors again? And what was Potter saying this time? It was pretty hard to focus, it felt like his head was filled with clouds made of static. Or like someone was washing his brain with really cold water, but like, in a good way. Anyways Potters and his cronies had been talking for a while which really didn’t help him focus with the whole door situation. Lord they really have been at it for a while. Gee, maybe they were talking to him. He snuck a glance at the group. Yep all eyes were on him. Shit. Well it was too late now to ask them to repeat themselves. 

“Snape do you want to see Madam Pompfrey?” James asked now beginning to feel an inkling of what one might say was concern, although given his history with Severus it might be closer to guilt. Whatever was wrong(?) with Severus could very well be the Marauders fault. And probably James’ fault more than the rest. 

Severus had, unfortunately, been too concerned with trying to seem like he was listening (which he was rather shite at by the way, he kept getting distracted by all the many curls in Potter’s hair) that he hadn’t actually been listening to what James had just asked.

“Severus!” James exclaimed when he got no answer from the boy in his hands. His first name did bring Severus back.

“Huh?” He asked James tilting his head to the side in confusion, not unlike a dog ( ooo don't tell Sirius). 

“Merlin he’s out of it” James muttered under his breath. 

Severus, at this point, was feeling rather tired at this whole interaction, so he slumped forward into James’ chest, his forehead resting on Potter’s abdomen. James was rather taken aback by this but held Severus’ shoulders firmly anyways. Then all of a sudden Severus decided that standing was too much of a pain as well and stopped trying to stand all together. Severus had sunken to James’ stomach before he was able to grab the boy from under his armpits.

“Bloody Hell!” James exclaimed to the boys behind him, who were feeling a similar sense of bewilderment at Snape’s actions. 

“He went fucking limp!” Said James, trying to hoist Severus up (still holding him under his arms) into a more comfortable position. Remus and Sirius could, despite what James might think, see that actually, still the quite obvious narration made them gasp. 

“Can you stand please?” He said using the same tone one might take with a small child. Severus huffed and looked back up at James.

“Don’t wanna.” Severus replied with a pout making James grumble. He cast Severus with a light levitation charm and picked him up bridal style which made Severus giggle a little. 

“Lets go to the hospital wing.” Huffed James. The Marauders stared wide-eyed at the act (of intimacy?) and followed their beloved leader.  
\-----------------------------------------------

“Merlin, what did you do to that poor boy this time?” Madam Pompfrey said as she saw James carry in Severus’ limp form. 

“Nothing!” James said defensively, the beginnings of blush making its way onto his cheeks. Madam Pompfrey shot him a look that all but said “suuuure you didn’t” and gestured for James to set Severus on the white sheets of the hospital bed. Severus made no protest at practically being dumped from the arms of his savior. Ok so maybe not his “savior” but he had actually been pretty decent to Severus considering that he was basically a petulant puppet-like version of himself. 

“Mr. Snape, do you know who did this to you?” Madam Pompfrey questioned him, having ruled out sleepwalking, head injury or any other physical injury. Severus looked at her and nodded before setting his head back on the bed, allowing for his jet-black hair to frame his face like a halo, a deep contrast from the brilliantly white sheets. 

“Who was it then?” Said a voice from behind the curtains, belonging to the one and only James Potter. Madam Pompfrey huffed a sigh of irritation and snapped the curtains back to reveal the marauders in all their glory. She ignored them in favor of waiting expectantly for Severus’ answer. 

“Hmmmm, you know, that one guy” Severus answered in all his helpfulness. “Can’t ‘member his name.” He clarified for his annoyed audience. 

“Describe him, anything you can remember. Physical features, house, year, anything that could help us.” Pompfrey explained with unprecedented patience. Severus looked deep in thought before answering,

“Um, upperclassman I think, blonde, bit of a pretty boy, Slytherin, nice hair, quite tall, ummm…” 

“Like my hair do you Sev?” Lucius said, grinning from the doorway. Severus jolted up in bed eyes wide, before closing them and slumping down again. 

“Oh hey Luci” Snape smiled at his friend to James’ utter dismay, er I mean, his disgust? 

“Mr. Malfoy, care to explain the state of your friend?” Madam Pompfrey said, arms crossed, resembling very much a disappointed mother.

“Gladly” Lucius said with composure. 

“It was some kind of muggle drug, I told him not to drink it, It was intended for a certain pissy mud- er that is to say, it was a prank on someone I happen to disagree with.” Lucius finished explaining with a flourish of his hand.  
“It should wear off in a couple hours” He volunteered, hoping to escape the repercussions of his actions by making a swift exit. Madam Pompfrey sat up to go after him but not before instructing one of the marauders to stay with Severus at all times, and administering a potion to help flush the drug out of his system in a semi-timely fashion.

“James we should probably find Lily” Remus said to his friend gesturing to himself and Sirius. James nodded and smiled at them. Now alone with Severus, James’ guilt was stronger than ever. Severus looked so peaceful like this, long eyelashes against his pale cheeks, slow steady breathing through his soft mouth, his mouth that was for once, not scowling at him. He could stay like this forever, peacefully coexisting next to the boy he loved. 

And then Lily walked in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there are some things that I straight make up in this fic, one being "wand, parchment, quill" which I had in place of rock, paper, scissors, not my most creative moment but I couldn't think of a wizard alternative and I don't think there was any mention of it in the books, and if it was, no
> 
> another thing being Lucius Malfoy, the timeline doesn't really match up but whatever
> 
> hope you enjoyed xoxox


	2. Chapter 2

Severus was awoken from a deep slumber to the sounds Lily and James arguing, a small part of him delighting in their premarital discourse. He stretched his long limbs on the hospital cot feeling the blood rush to his head before sitting up. His vision still swimming from the sudden movement, he allowed himself to rest, staring into the swirling oblivious that was iron deficiency.

“James! You bloody- Oh! Hey Sev, how are you feeling.” Lily asked, her tone suddenly shifting from belligerent to her usual soft, friendly timbre.

“What is Potter doing here?” Severus shot at her, ignoring Lily’s greeting entirely. She crossed her arms to look at James. 

“That's what I was just trying to find out.” Narrowing her eyes, emphasizing her somewhat dubious opinion of him.

“Leaving.” Retorted James, turning on his heels to leave, but not before stealing a quick glance at Severus who was intently scowling at him. James made an audible “gulp” and headed into the corridor mentally berating himself for acting like a lovesick school girl. One ‘peaceful’ interaction with Snape had him tripping over his own feet. 

It was his own fault his relationship with Severus was so thoroughly fucked (and not in the way he wished it was). What kind of psychopath enlists his friends to help torment and abuse his childhood crush. And what kind of deranged lunatic dates his crush’s best friend when he gets rejected. James Fucking Potter, that's who. 

Still, this incident had shown that if you act civil to somebody they act civil back! Who knew? Well that logic may be slightly flawed seeing as Severus was high as balls at the time. Nevertheless James found a new mission in life: to stop pulling his crush’s pigtails on the playground, metaphorically speaking of course. 

\-------------------------

Lily walked Severus back to the Slytherin dorms even after many reassurances that it wasn’t necessary. Before they parted Lily hugged him goodbye and tenderly said she was glad he was alright. Severus couldn’t understand why she was so upset, but it was nice to have someone care about him. 

He trudged back to his room only to be stopped by Lucius in the long hallway connecting their rooms. 

“I'm glad you're alright Sevvy.” He said in a simpering voice. A poor impression of the fiery redhead but that was how most Slytherins viewed their peers. Silly, dramatic cannon fodder in the looming war. Severus bristled at his housemates' voices. It was rather late in the evening by now, and he had hope to get to bed without any confrontation from the Slytherins.

“Shut up Lucius.” Severus replied in bluntly trying to move past him. He chuckled and shifted over allowing Severus access to his doorknob.

“Do you still like my hair?” Severus tensed and looked over to him. Lucius, as per usual, wore his best shit-eating grin. Severus scoffed indignantly and quickly stepped inside his room. 

\---------------------------------------

Severus was swathed in white lace matching the delicate décor of the bright room. Bright flowers and lace were crammed into every crevice. He was in James’ arm who was wearing a matching black tuxedo, the bridal march playing in the background on organ. Lily rushed up to the pair a few steps from the away clergy. 

“Can you set me down Babes.” Severus said to James tapping his arm softly. James smiled at him and kissed Severus on the forehead before gently setting Severus down onto the flower petal laden carpet.

“I'm so happy for you two!” Lily said, tears in her eyes, before pulling them both into a hug. They chuckled to each other as Lily let them go. They sought out each other's hands and started walking again. Lily waved them off, still crying but now adorned with a huge grin. They walked together, finally reaching the altar. Lupin and Sirius were already there, off to the side in matching Bridesmaids dresses. The Priest began the ceremony reading from an issue of Playboy magazine. 

“Who has better tits, Evans or Longbottom.” The Priest asked James. He thought about it for a second before choosing Longbottom. Now the Priest turned to Severus. 

“Severus Snape, do you-”

Severus woke up in a cold sweat. 

“What the fuck.”

\--------------------------------------

James scanned the Great Hall for Severus to no avail. Breakfast would end soon and he still hadn’t shown up, at this rate if he wanted to talk to Severus he’d have to go down to the dungeons himself. As if the Slytherin could sense his privacy was contemplated being invaded, he walked into the Hall looking as disheveled as Lupin after a full moon. Severus plopped down at the Slytherin table burying his head in his arms. Lucius laughed at the overdramatic display and nudged Severus with his elbow, holding out a piece of cut pancake on his fork. Severus gladly accepted it, allowing Lucius to feed him. James inhaled his coffee, quite literally choking on their PDA.   
It was a rare moment of intimacy for Severus that he probably would not have permitted except that he knew Lucius, and took it as an apology for the ordeal yesterday. Across the Hall James was still struggling to remember how to breathe. His friends were no better, desperately beating their choking friend’s back, hoping to unlodge whatever he had swallowed incorrectly. Eventually James was well enough to swat their hands away.

“I’ll actually choke if you keep that up.” He grumbled to the apologetic pair. Lily snorted at him and handed James a glass of water. Graciously accepting it with a smile he turned to check back on Severus. To his horror Lucius was now conversing with the Slytherin table, arm comfortably wrapped around Severus, who was disengaged from the conversation and instead slowly eating his toast.

The Slytherins as a collective had many favorable qualities that seem to be overlooked by the other houses. To an outsider they may seem conniving and selfish, but this was not the case. Their long history of being excluded from the cohesive patriotism of Hogwarts was the indirect cause of their intense loyalty within their respective house. The Slytherins had a cult-like loyalty towards each other and often showed their intimacy through actions rather than words. The homophobic stigma of same-sex friendship had no place in the Slytherin house, thus making intimacy commonplace among men and women. That being said Severus was not homophobic, his reluctance towards Lucius’ touch was purely because of who he was as a person and how he was raised. Still Severus recognized the importance of such a gesture, he had to nurture this behavior if he wanted to remain Lucius’ friend.

That didn’t make things any easier. Every cell of his body was screaming at him that he was in danger. Thankfully he had finished his toast and had an excuse to leave. He nodded his wordless goodbye to Lucius and headed to the dungeons, his fingernails subconsciously tearing at the sleeve of his already torn robe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to address the way I portray Slytherins (and the other houses) in this fic. I don't think it makes sense to paint all Slytherins as evil, especially seeing as how they are sorted into their houses at 11. Think of how you were in elementary school versus middle school and even in highschool. Obviously you have changed. Most people when they are 5-11 basically just copy what their parents do. If your parents are batshit crazy blood supremacists, odds are you will be too. Not to mention the elitist prerequisites make it so almost everyone in Slytherin has had the same abusive, shitty, childhood. Up until that point their whole life has revolved around their parents, so it would make sense that they would adopt some if not all of their political beliefs. 
> 
> However, once they attended Hogwarts for a while and grew as people it would only make sense that they would start to grow further away from their parents' Ideologies. Now you have all these Slytherins who were basically raised identically and are all questioning their heritage. All I'm saying is it would make sense if the Slytherins are closer in comrade than the other houses and it would make sense that they have a bad reputation, but behind closed doors they are actually pretty good people. 
> 
> Side note; THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS!! If you commented on the last chapter we are getting married, I literally love you so much.


End file.
